Update

So the day after my first post on this blog, me and Tyson decided it would be best to splitup. I really do love him but I can't play his games anymore. I wont take responsibility for his actions. If you lose trust with someone then you dont have the right to be amd at them if they ask questions or dont trust you fully. I am sad but I am ok with the decision we have come to. The hard part is going to be the part where I tell Hailey. She has had a rough time with a lot of stuff lately. Her biological dad doesn't care about her or know much about her, she is dealing with a mean girl in the neighborhood, and she had a roughtime we went through this. I feel like I am screwing her up. She will never trust people (just like her momma) but I have to figure out a way to help her understand not all people are bad or liars. She will also have to deal with the fact that Tyson's parent will block her out again just like the last time. We agreed we would tell her together and we would do it after her dad left town so she only has to deal with one thing at a time. Bethany is still young but she is not stupid. She knows there is something wrong but not sure what it is. I feel bad the little guy will be born into a broken family. He will not ever know what its like to have married parents. There are things I think about myself during all of this but I still try to stay positive in the long run. It has got to be for the best. I will at least walk away from this KNOWING I tried and put forth the effort needed to make this work. I was loyal. I feel good about that.

First blog for me and only me.

So, I figure I would start my own blog so I could put my own feelings and thoughts out there and not on the "family" blog. Even if no one person reads this, it will be nice to use it as a journal in a way.

If you are a close friend then you know what my last yr and a half has been like. Bethany had her heart surgery (all is great), Tyson and I separated for close to 9 months, about a month after we got back together we found out we are going to have another rug rat. This time a boy! Poor kiddo has 2 older sisters!

So we get to recently....

Work has been crazy and very frustrating. Usually there are 2 of us in this office but I have been on my own for about 2 months. I have the pleasure of working with the brilliance of truck drivers everyday! It is frustrating because I have this B.S. in Business and I am doing customer service. I would have stayed in retail if I wanted to do customer service forever.

This pregnancy has been an ass kicker. I haven't been sick like I was with the girls but I am pushing bed rest. My blood pressure will just not get under control. I ended up in the hospital for a weekend becasue it was 184/122. I had 6-7 people all around me making me do all these tests to make sure I didnt have a stroke...that was going to cause the stroke! I am on medsbut it doesnt seem to be helping. I really dont feel like going on bed rest. The stress in my life is not helping either. What do you do? Yes, sometimes I would love to lock myself in a room with just me and my ipod. Never gonna happen.

A little over a week ago I found out my high school sweetheart decided to take his own life. Not sure why, but he did it. We were together for 2 yrs. We did everything together. Our first jobs were at the same place, we took drivers ed together, numerous classes, camping, you name it. He was a great guy and I will miss him. Even though it has been 12 yrs since I saw him last and over 4 yrs since I last talked to him, it hurts. My first love is gone. That has had an impact on me more than I thought it could. Crazy. If I knew then what I know now.....

Tyson and I are again going through a rough time. Not sure we can make it. Dont get me wrong, I dont want things to end but I cant be the only one working on things. Maybe we arent supposed to be together. We are going to have a nother child in a few months and he just doesnt know if he wants to be with me. Again, if you are a close friend you will know how much of an influence his mommy has on him and she absolutely hates me. I have gotten used to that and I really dont care what her opinions are on anything....especially me. My only concern with her is, like the last time, she will do everything for Bethany but not a whole lot for Hailey. She left Hailey out of everything the first time this shit happened. Also, how are they going to treat the new baby? I am sure they have their thoughts on to whether it is Tysons or not. Funny thing though....I am not the cheater in the relationship. I hope he pulls his head out soon. I will not go through the last yr all over again. I will not wait and fight like I did the last time.

So, there it is...for now anyway. I try to stay positive and remember that my kiddos need me. As long as they love me and the y know I love them then that is all that matters.