First blog for me and only me.

So, I figure I would start my own blog so I could put my own feelings and thoughts out there and not on the "family" blog. Even if no one person reads this, it will be nice to use it as a journal in a way.

If you are a close friend then you know what my last yr and a half has been like. Bethany had her heart surgery (all is great), Tyson and I separated for close to 9 months, about a month after we got back together we found out we are going to have another rug rat. This time a boy! Poor kiddo has 2 older sisters!

So we get to recently....

Work has been crazy and very frustrating. Usually there are 2 of us in this office but I have been on my own for about 2 months. I have the pleasure of working with the brilliance of truck drivers everyday! It is frustrating because I have this B.S. in Business and I am doing customer service. I would have stayed in retail if I wanted to do customer service forever.

This pregnancy has been an ass kicker. I haven't been sick like I was with the girls but I am pushing bed rest. My blood pressure will just not get under control. I ended up in the hospital for a weekend becasue it was 184/122. I had 6-7 people all around me making me do all these tests to make sure I didnt have a stroke...that was going to cause the stroke! I am on medsbut it doesnt seem to be helping. I really dont feel like going on bed rest. The stress in my life is not helping either. What do you do? Yes, sometimes I would love to lock myself in a room with just me and my ipod. Never gonna happen.

A little over a week ago I found out my high school sweetheart decided to take his own life. Not sure why, but he did it. We were together for 2 yrs. We did everything together. Our first jobs were at the same place, we took drivers ed together, numerous classes, camping, you name it. He was a great guy and I will miss him. Even though it has been 12 yrs since I saw him last and over 4 yrs since I last talked to him, it hurts. My first love is gone. That has had an impact on me more than I thought it could. Crazy. If I knew then what I know now.....

Tyson and I are again going through a rough time. Not sure we can make it. Dont get me wrong, I dont want things to end but I cant be the only one working on things. Maybe we arent supposed to be together. We are going to have a nother child in a few months and he just doesnt know if he wants to be with me. Again, if you are a close friend you will know how much of an influence his mommy has on him and she absolutely hates me. I have gotten used to that and I really dont care what her opinions are on anything....especially me. My only concern with her is, like the last time, she will do everything for Bethany but not a whole lot for Hailey. She left Hailey out of everything the first time this shit happened. Also, how are they going to treat the new baby? I am sure they have their thoughts on to whether it is Tysons or not. Funny thing though....I am not the cheater in the relationship. I hope he pulls his head out soon. I will not go through the last yr all over again. I will not wait and fight like I did the last time.

So, there it is...for now anyway. I try to stay positive and remember that my kiddos need me. As long as they love me and the y know I love them then that is all that matters.